Who’s in charge in a D/s (dom/sub) relationship?

I just wanted to make a couple of comments about relationships with people who are dom/sub/kinky.

The thing about good relationships is that they’re all, partnerships. I often see the mistaken beliefs either that the dom is completely in charge (or a heartless abuser) and the sub is powerless (or a victim), or the equally mistaken one that the sub is in charge (or a manipulator) and controls everything.

So who has control really? Both!

Both have to agree to their activities, both engage in them together, both are responsible for their actions and to communicate. Both can say no, both can walk away if it’s not working.

A relationship that does not fulfil both parties needs is one that I think is doomed to fail.

These are real world relationships I’m talking about. Sometimes people are seduced by or try to live a fantasy. Sometimes actually abusive and/or manipulative people use people’s desire for these fantasies to try to get them to accept things where normally they would not. If you try to live an unrealistic fantasy that does not acknowledge the humanity and needs of both parties that’s pretty much a recipe for disaster from the word go. The ‘popular’ current ’50 shades’ type of view of dom/sub relationships is nothing like any real long term relationship I can think of any more than the story of O types of fantasy from years ago.

Good relationships work because each partner brings something different to the relationship, something that fits with the other partner. Sometimes (but not always) these qualities are opposite or complimentary. They, if you like, ‘fit together’. And as the word partnership implies, or at least should imply… both parts are equally important and equally responsible.