Newness and getting out into the kink community

//Newness and getting out into the kink community

Newness and getting out into the kink community

For many people it’s a nerve-wracking step going out into the community especially to the myriad of events, workshops, munches and parties. This is especially because of uncertainty about what to expect and how to behave. Also how should they react to how other people behave?

Here are a few things you should always be able to expect no matter what the event.

  1. To be treated with respect
  2. Not to be touched, slapped, spanked, groped, played with or otherwise molested without consent
  3. Not to have your personal space disregarded
  4. Never to be told that you ‘have’ to submit
  5. Not to be told how you ‘should’ behave
  6. To not have anyone make you feel uncomfortable or scared

Here are a few rights that you should never forget you have or be made to be feel uncomfortable exercising

  1. You have the right say NO
  2. You have the right to your own opinion
  3. You have the right to disagree
  4. You have the right to be new and learning without that being held against you
  5. You have the right not to like some kinks, not everything’s for everyone
  6. You have the right to completely disregard anything ever said by anyone who tells you you’re not a ‘true’… submissive, dominant etc.

Common sentences beginning with or containing…

      • All submissives/dominants are…
      • All submissives/dominants should…
      • All true…
      • All real…
      • Oh you’re a natural…
      • Oh you’re not a natural…

…should be carefully analysed to determine their bullshit content.

Many people come to kink via fiction of one kind or another. There’s nothing wrong with this. Very many people do. Often these routes will include books, films, stories or fantasies… These things are very often not really true to life and in some cases present a very skewed view of what kink is and how relationships are viewed. They can therefore lead to expectations that aren’t in line with the reality of kink or human relationships. With that in mind I apologise if the following points seem obvious but experience shows that sometimes it is worth stating the obvious.

New dominants, you absolutely do not have the right to tell any submissive whatsoever what to do. The only time you will is when you have actual consent from the individual. You have no automatic right to demand anything of anyone in a d/s ever.

New submissives, you absolutely do not have to submit  obey or otherwise do what anyone tells you in a d/s context unless you actually want to and consent to it. Nobody has any automatic right to demand anything of you.

If someone does… treat you in any of the above mentioned inappropriate manners you should remember that you absolutely have the right to call them on it.

Be sure that you’re not overreacting, be sure that you’re being proportionate but. You absolutely have the right be treated with politeness and respect and if you are not, even by someone you feel is ‘experienced’ do not feel that you are in the wrong to have expected politeness and respect and to speak up if it’s not shown, no matter masochist, sadist, top, bottom, switch, dominant, submissive or miscellaneous.


By |2016-10-28T16:39:56+00:00November 3rd, 2012|Categories: Learning|Tags: , , |2 Comments

About the Author:

WykD_Dave (Dave Rickman) is a UK-based shibari bondage enthusiast, who now teaches and performs internationally accompanied by his partner Clover. He started exploring bondage 27 years ago and was autodidact for the first 17 years, until a lesson with shibari professional Osada Steve changed his way of tying. Dave loves Japanese style rope work, and decided to dedicate himself to this. “It isn’t about the rope, it’s about the expression, the look in the eyes, the hopelessness, the agony”. Now, Dave & Clover teach and perform all around the world. He takes great pleasure in seeing people get it and open their minds to what rope bondage can really be. “Not just a means of restraint but a much deeper and personally connected experience than any other I’ve ever found.” Running into Dave means running into his lovely partner Clover. She is very passionate about shibari bondage too, she models and performs, as well as makes impressive photos of Japanese rope work done by Dave. Her photography focuses on the feelings involved in rope play, not just the pretty ties, and she tells stories with her pictures. Dave: “Of course Clover’s a huge part of everything. Without her photography would people ever have noticed?”


  1. Carol January 16, 2015 at 1:51 am - Reply

    Loved reading your views, I just always thought something was wrong with me deeply wanting to experience something as taboo as BDSM. – Carol

  2. Carol January 16, 2015 at 1:58 am - Reply

    I have wondered for years how people can be content with such mundane lives. With regards to sex, if some of my best friends knew some of the things I’ve done, they wouldn’t talk to me. Shibari is one of the most beautifully erotic forms of expression I’ve ever seen.

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